I LOVED HIM
by iloveblack9
Summary: A girl fell in love with the infamous Black but never dared to even talk to him. A girl breathed in him every second but never was noticed.Her cowardice was the reason she never dared but still that did not stop her from living and dying for him.


I loved him. Loved him more than anything else. Of course I would. He was someone I had idolized all my childhood. He was the one who saved me from the Slytherins on my first train ride. He was probably the first and only Black who was ever sorted into Gryffindor. He was someone who stood up to the whole of his family for his principles. Still he was as immature as a 5 year old. He was bright and intelligent. He always was right next to me in class. I always wrote my exam watching him but he never saw me. He was a great prankster. His idea of fun was very appreciated among peers. I knew he always picked on Snape because of the jealousy he had on him. Yes, he was jealous of Snape because of his acceptance into Slytherin inspite of his blood status. yes, that was what his mother said "I would have felt proud if you were half the worth of him". I felt very sad for him. If it was allowed I would have hugged him because for any person such words from their own mother would hurt but I did not I was always too afraid to act on my thoughts . Of course he would never accept that to anybody. Not even James. But I knew it because when you spent most of your life observing a person you will know many things about him. He always made cheeky comments on Mc Gonagal because he found happiness in attention. Yes he craved for attention. Very very much because he was always neglected at home and school was a place he would find all the attention he wanted. Many would think he was super confident but the truth was that he always thought he could not live up to the expectations of people. He was greatly loved by his friends. Even his brother. All people found him as a very good company. I often wondered throughout my life how it would be. He had a number of fans , most girls and even some boys. He would. He was an Adonis. His beautiful grey eyes, black shiny hair, long aristrocratic nose, soft lips which were always curled up in a smile, his long neck, the way his adam's apple moved when he talked, his perfectly toned body, his tall stature and the list goes on. His beauty never ceased to amaze me. I could never imagine anyone else like him. He was one and only just like the star he was named after. I often wondered if he twinkled more than that particular star. I still remembered the nights he would stand in the quidditch pitch and I would hide behind the stands just to see him. I personally thought he was most handsome in those moments because it was just the two of us under the starry sky just as I often imagined it but not looking into each others eyes. He was our school's resident playboy. He used girls like pieces of paper napkins. He was supposed to be one of the much macho men of Hogwarts along with his friends . he was probably the reason I never made any friends. Well, he was in one way because I was always too preoccupied in watching him to even talk to anyone. His bark like laugh was enough to make my day. I even knew he was an animagus. It was the one time he ever talked to me. It was a full moon and I followed them out of the castle to you know, watch him. I saw them change their forms. I waited to see what they would do. Then I heard o low growl. I shrieked. He saw me and immediately came running to me in his dog form. He took me off to the school and he shouted at me after changing his for "are you mad? You would have died or worse for god's sake. ……….just don't come out on full moon nights. Okay"

And those were the only words he ever spoke to me. i loved him most for his ability to love. He loved people to no end. His friends were his life. He lived for them. he was a very passionate person. He loved his brother too. Very much though nobody would believe it I know. I had seen many of those silent tears that rolled off his pale cheeks when he heard of his brother. I often observed his longing glances. the only girl he was close with would probably be Lily. It was because she was his friend's love. I knew he respected her greatly. He treated her like his own sister. Their friendship was something no one except those close to them could understand. He was more happier than James and Lily when they were 

married. Of course I attended their marriage. He was their best man after all. i was there even when harry was born. He had tears in his eyes. That day I feel was his most memorable moment. I clearly remember when lily said he was to be the godfather of her son. He jumped up with joy like a little child because I knew it was his dream to be handed a responsibility and it was the his first time. He loved James as a brother. James was the first person who ever extended a truly affectionate hand towards him. He was someone who always made him feel loved. He and lily were his only friends who did not lose their faith in him even during all the dark times. He wouldn't be able to tell the place Remus held in his heart. Remus was the reason marauders were formed . he was that responsible good boy who always tried to control them but gave in. I knew he was heart-broken when Remus suspected him. That was one of the many times he drank with grief. He even loved Peter. Many would think the other way but he liked him for being a friend who would listen to you when you needed him but never ask questions. He liked Peter because he accepted that the other three were better than him. He thought peter never felt jealous of them and that's what made him the best . he was naïve despite all other popular beliefs. He thought people could not lie or cheat and that made him lose all that he ever had. I knew he was made secret keeper but he changed it to Peter . I knew it because I followed him even then. I knew the secret hiding place of James and Lily. No one ever told about it to me but I knew because I loved him and that was enough to form a special connection between us. I sometimes even heard words he spoke to himself. It was another deep part of magic which can never be understood but only felt. It was pure love. I never expected anything from him and that made me pure.

I was waiting at James's place on the day they died. Waiting for him to come. The time at which he usually visits passed by. So I apparated to his flat. He wasn't there and by the time I reached back all I saw was ashes and him with Harry. I felt happy Harry survived. Soon Hagrid came and he gave the baby boy to him along with his bike. Then was the only time I saw him so broken. He was devastated. he got up his resolve strong to hunt peter down. I remember him shouting at peter and then there was a blast. Peter was dead along with many innocent muggles. The last thing I remember was him laughing like a mad man. That wasn't his laugh was my last coherent thought. Then I blacked out.

I woke up three days after to hear the news he was taken to Azkaban. I realized I wouldn't be able to see him ever again. So I started to make plans of getting there but none could be done. Soon I fell ill. I never went to St. Mungo's . I lived like a ghost. At last I lived as soon as I saw his posters at various places saying he escaped. I could not control my joy. I went to all the places I imagined he would visit. But I was shocked to see that he never came there. Then it struck me. He went to Harry. He went to see his godson. I followed him. I left him food too. I noticed one thing not many would notice. There was a change in his demeanor. Azkaban had affected him very much. I still followed him.

My only wish was that I should die looking at him. I got it. I had got permission from Dumbledore to keep watch on him. Yes, I was granted it because Dumbledore felt that he needed to be watched. So I spent everyday watching him. I made it impossible for him to leave his house. He never knew he was being watched because I was always under the dillusionment charm.

The day Harry had a sight of him being held capture, I followed him and the other to the ministry. There when Bellatrix was sending killing curses towards him I took the first one. I fell into the veil 

wishing life had been different. If I would have let myself to talk to him, may be he would have fallen in love with me or at least been friends with me. Deep down I knew it would never have happened because he was always busy being a rebel and I was busy being a coward. That was the reason I wasn't in his arms that I died. But I was happy I died saving him. Yet, I felt wasted when he came in through the veil almost too soon after me.

I was happy even then because I would be able to watch him again until eternity. What can I say , I was a lover and a lover never wishes to be separated. I was content by remembering the names "Venis Carmine loves Sirius Black" that always used to be there on my parchment.


End file.
